I cannot rid myself of the past so I must come to terms with it. When I look back, I see the work of an artist gone mad, violently heaving watered down paint onto a frayed canvas, allowing gravity to have it say. The end result never how I envisioned it. Also I can see how living for the moment and finding joy in the now has always been my top priority. But my past is often repeated.
All of my “yesterdays” were bags brimming with lies and deceit that I hauled around. Most of the time I could be found with my eyes closed arguing with people no longer in my life and sending weightless apologies to those I've hurt; only then would my load become lighter.
All of my “tomorrows” passed with me begging for them to not return. However, they continued to show their faces and I continued to change mine, in hopes of finding a way to block “today” from singing the sorrow.
My new life begins.
I'm still learning how to live. Everyday thousands of emotions congregate within but it's the self hate that bullies its way to the front, threatening to take over. However today I have some tools to aid me in this fight.
Since being released from prison, I have learned how forgiveness is an option for everybody. I have also learned that in order to forgive I have to begin with myself. That along with other lessons has helped me to curb my obsession of twisting people's words into something false. Also I've learned that emotions don't always call for actions. In using this knowledge, I can feel a change within and so I give thanks to the progress of progress for not playing favorites. They say the clock stops for no one and I agree; time has been my catalyst: you live and you learn. Although a change in me is there, sometimes I feel like a fraud.At times, crawling under the blankets continues to feel like the best solution.
I know that I must meet wean myself off the strict diet of depression and gather strength so I'll be strong enough that when faced with all too familiar choices, I can proceed with caution, knowing how mental laziness has always been my undoing.
My new life begins.
I look ahead and thanks to what I've learned, I now know that I have the power to make my life better. I understand the choices I must make can not be fueled by impulsiveness. When I find myself in front of another blank canvas I'll pause for a moment, taking time to stare the present in the face, searching it for advice. Putting my insecurities aside, I'll gather some input from the future because sometimes the lessons and pictures of my past may not always be entirely helpful.
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